Why Am I Still Having Trouble Sleeping?

Preface: I hate that when I wear shorts, my right leg causes the right side of my shorts to bunch up. And I hate that I am still having trouble sleeping. It is 2:42 in the morning, and I can't dream like everyone else is doing right now.

Perhaps there was truth to something my psychology teacher told me in high school. She said never to read in bed; it causes difficulty with falling asleep when wanting to sleep. And it also prevents focus when trying to read studiously. True or untrue, that's not all. My room looks like the A bomb was dropped a month ago, and I, being the only native, must sift through all the debris to recover my most treasured items. For instance, I still can't find my only strapless bra, the receipt for my broken digital camera, and my address book. All of these things are very crucial, and I will more than likely never see them again. Or I might locate them if I could tidy up my room and thin out all the junk. That's the thing; I can't get rid of any of it. As soon as I move out of the house, I'll need all of it just to survive in a place of my own. But for now, I must make a narrow, zigzagging footpath to my bed.

On top of that mess, I may be moving to Colorado in less than a month. Living there and working in the art field again would be a dream. However, I doubt myself constantly. Can I be everything they want: organized, professional, on time, thoroughly knowledgeable of almost all crafts known to man, and great with all people all the time? I've done this kind of work many times before, but not on this level. And frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But everyone knows that growth wasn't promised to be painless. There must, inevitably, be some stretching involved. I just keep wondering where God's got me heading. Where does all this training, experience, and desire lead?

On another note, I have been reading a scary book entitled "The Marriage Map". I lost sleep after reading through to just the third chapter. Now, I know what you're thinking.... why in the world are you reading that, Skye? Contrary to what it appears to all you scoffers, I honestly want to go back to school to study marital counseling. And now, I'm just doing my own research while I have plenty of time to read. Granted the book is horrid, but it does have some valid points. And I think with each book and each couple I ask questions I get a little more insight (however skewed it may be). Of course, going through with marriage myself would be the best way to understand it. But... I think I am becoming a lot more reflective... and with a tab of hesitation on the side. People just seem to let emotions get the best of the situation, rendering themselves blindsided. And then there's the ever looming "wake-up call" a few years down the road: your partner is not the person you thought he was.

It's a wonder people stay together forever. That would be ideal, and I admire those who "work at" their unions with the determination of marathoners in training, but I still fear the worst, all the same. My current view puts me approaching marriage in the way a cautious athlete might get into an ice bath: she gets in inch by painful inch until she's total immersed. And by that point, why get out? She's finally comfortable; the initial stinging that accompanied the process has faded into a state of acceptance. And I don't mean that in a derogatory sense, like numbness. Everyone knows ice helps keep down the inflammation. How that relates, I don't know.... I'm going to take aim at my mattress, finally.